What You Tolerate Dominates!

Don’t Win the Battle and Lose the War!

Setting boundaries within families can be one of the most difficult things to do. We are bound to these people for a lifetime and frequently interpret that as a no-choice position if we want to honor Christ. Lack of boundaries wreaks havoc in a home. Growing up with an abusive mother was quite the adventure at my house; the cliché “roller-coaster”,  a hysterical adventure ride that often times threw me right off the tracks of my life. Moving and compromising my boundaries became the pattern of my youth. Arguments, threats and unrealistic expectations were daily occurrences. Years later, after I left home, the Lord generously began to reteach me in terms of His precious boundaries for my life.

One of the first things He taught me is that setting boundaries is not about making threats. It is about giving choices and then consequences for the poor decisions that are made, much like we do with our parenting skills. So don’t feel guilty enforcing or witnessing consequences. Guilt leads to compromise. We cannot be in a healthy relationship without appropriate boundaries. Setting personal boundaries are like identifying the gates in our invisible fence lines which protects the heart and soul inside our bodies. Our personal boundaries are God’s boundaries for us, for our protection. We need to maintain boundaries in order to freely grow and expand in our relationship with Christ and also in our ability to minister effectively to others. Boundaries are tools of protection. They set appropriate limits both externally and internally. Externally, they can provide protective limits on others who treat us poorly or in an aggressive manner. Internally, they can protect us from unreasonable expectations we place on ourselves which could unwittingly hinder our walk with Christ.  Many people look at boundaries as walls, but rather, when we establish healthy boundaries, they provide a way to distinguish what we choose to let in and what we choose to let out. They form flexible gates, not stationary walls. It is important to learn about setting healthy boundaries so we can make decisions about what is and what isn’t permissible in our relationships. It really doesn’t matter how elaborate the fencing or how eloquent our statements are, if we don’t honor ourselves enough to draw the boundary line and stick to it consistently. 

Often we grow weary in holding our ground, especially when old patterns draw us back to unhealthy behaviors. We must keep our eye on the mark…this is a spiritual war to tear down strongholds of pride, rebellion and narcissism. Winning a battle in a relationship means little if we lose the spiritual war. “Winning a battle but losing the war”describes a poor strategy that wins or settles for a lesser objective, but overlooks and loses the truly intended objective.  Occasionally I would win a small battle with my mother and she would become a little responsive and for a time peaceful. Believing that the battle was won and not wanting to upset her further, I would begin to compromise my boundaries once again in order to maintain a semblance of peace in the household. Walking on eggshells was my way of life. The more I yielded, the more she consumed, and pretty soon the situation was progressively worse than before. It was a vicious cycle and, at the time, I had no clue how to altar it or how to escape from it.

Godly relationships give honor one to another. It is just as important for the other person to learn how to be with you and what the guidelines are for the relationship. If there are old patterns, it may take some time to convince others that you are serious about sticking to your boundaries. Improving our ability to set boundaries can, at times, be both painful and difficult. It requires consistency, perseverance, much prayer, and the support of others. Setting appropriate boundaries is an ability we can all learn through God’s direction. Below are some practical steps in learning to set boundaries:

1. Be honest about your anger when others violate your boundaries. First of all be honest with yourself and with God.  Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin.” Pouting or the “silent treatment” is anger as well. Manipulating people through any form of anger is not God-honoring. People who have difficulty setting boundaries are often angry because they feel like others are wielding power over them. They do not realize that they themselves have unwittingly relinquished that power. 

2. Ask God to help you to be truthful in all things, even in negative truth. Setting boundaries may sometimes rock the boat. Take special note of this scripture…

“Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for in the same way their fathers used to treat the false prophets.”Luke 6:26

3. Cultivate relationships with people who encourage the use of your boundaries, instead of threatening your boundaries. Those closest to you should love your “no” as much as they love your “yes”!

Careful…….. What you Tolerate, Dominates!

1 reply
  1. lulu
    lulu says:

    This couldn’t have come at a better time. I just put up boundaries with a close friend. It was hard but had to be done. No one likes it when it happens but it does bring healing. It was hard for my friend to understand. i pray God gives her a revelation in His time. Thank you for this post. <3 xoxo

    Reply

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